One fateful Saturday evening, after five months of friendly urging and insatiable curiosity, I drove down directly from work to see my friend play in the first bout I ever saw, for the Bloody Bordens. I went intending to watch Hexy (Surreal Hexy Chaos) all evening. Lucky for me, her husband (Al Jynx U) was not being a zebra that evening, and he was able to explain what was going on to me. I had a lot of questions, and although I tried to keep my eyes on my friend, my attention was glued to the jammer almost every time. Something inside my brain awoke to the realization that I, too, wanted to be a part of this.
By the following weekend, I had done enough research to see that New Hampshire Roller Derby's (NHRD) Millyard Misfits practiced closest to where I live of all the leagues in my area. I tried to tell myself that maybe if I was still interested in a month, and if the schedule would fit into my work schedule, I would consider signing up. Then I threw logic, scheduling, and caution to the wind, and I sent the first fateful e-mail about beginning my derby journey. I got all my gear (after consulting with Hexy for suggestions and having Chiff from Urban Mayhem in Manchester help size/direct me), and I attended my first practice.
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| Contact-eligible Misfits practice pack drills at the NHRD warehouse |
I will be the first to admit, I'm out of shape. I don't like working out, I never have; I don't like sweating, or breathing heavy, or feeling tired and sore. But even by myself, before I'd met a single Misfit or trainer, I realized that after just a little while, even if I wasn't good on the skates, and I fall down constantly, and even if my back and feet were sore, some part of me felt good. It’s a very independent feeling. There aren't many places I can go where I don't feel weirdly paranoid, like people are watching me in a negative and judgmental way, but the benefits to being new are that I don't feel obligated to prove anything to anyone. Even practicing on my own has a unique feeling to it, like I’m somehow flipping off everybody else on the track; I only care about what I’m doing out there.
The strategy I've been using so far to help combat my frustration is to remind myself that I need to take it one step at a time, to not get ahead of myself. Derby society has been incredibly welcoming and open to me so far; even just going out for drinks with Hexy's gang after her bout, it was obvious to me that the people who do derby are doing it for the right reasons (i.e. themselves and nobody else). I think it's only realistic for me to try to take it slow- try to give myself at least two days a week on wheels, to begin, and maybe reassess in a few months where I’d like to take derby from there in my life.
I've been slow and selective about who among my non-derby friends I've told. (I haven't even really told my mother yet, for example, and we're pretty close.) I don't like to go back on the things I say and I don’t want to be too open to anyone’s criticism until I’m actually ready for it. I want to give myself freedom if I keep going and this doesn't wind up being for me, too. Despite my hesitance, the most popular response from my friends, by far, is that everyone seems to believe I’ll be a perfect fit. While it doesn't really matter what others think, it’s nice to have some kind of validation from somewhere familiar that yes, taking this step might really be taking one step closer to finding out where I belong right now in my life.
The biggest question I've been asked so far is something I feel is pretty heavy: “What's your Derby name? Do you have a name picked out yet?” Honoring my personal commandment to take it slow, I refuse to announce anything yet. I want to put in the work. I need to make myself keep working hard, possibly harder in a physical way on a consistent basis than I ever have before. For the record, I have an idea about what I'd like, but I don't want to set anything in stone, at least until I'm considering Level 1 Assessment. And I'd like to think everyone already knows, but I feel a need to add, this is not a dig: if someone comes in, guns a-blazing, and they are ready to go from the first moment, then I want the best for them, and for them to be addressed by our derby community however they feel most comfortable. For me? I need to keep pushing myself, to keep earning things for myself. And my identity is a big part of my journey. I will pick up the mantle when I'm ready.
So much of the time in the rest of my life, I feel like I’m not good at things. Sometimes I feel like I'm just not good at anything I do. But the truth is I do have some talents, and some natural traits that can be both advantages and disadvantages: as I mentioned, I'm stubborn, and on the negative side, I tend to hold grudges. On the positive side, however, I've committed myself to at least trying my best at something new. I don't want to speculate too far into the future. I want to look at the next step I'm taking on the path that I'm on. Here's to hoping that I can let go of the grudges I've held against myself and my own abilities, and not let anything hold me back.
So what's next? Tomorrow, I go up to Bruised Boutique in Nashua, NH to pick myself up some outdoor wheels, before heading over to adult skate at Skateland in Bradford. Sunday, I'll break in my outdoor wheels and skate with Hexy for the first time. Tonight? I go to my second Misfits practice and try to spend at least an hour doing what I'm told and kicking my own butt in the process. Maybe I’ll see you there sometime soon.
If you would like to write about your freshmeat experience for Journey of a Freshie, email Helen Carnate at helencarnate (at) gmail (dot) com!
