The journey has ended...

...for now.

I'm posting here because it seems weird for me to make an "announcement" on the league forums. On Thursday, April 21st, I resigned as an active skater from NHRD. Before people freak out, I am still very much involved with the league, just not as a skater. I'm still League Coordinator, forum admin, and PR foot soldier. There are a lot of factors that went into this decision but they all end up circling back to time at one point or another.

Bad Timing

As my last post stated, Mr. Carnate and I closed on our house the same day the season started. I had a conversation with another skater at our 2010 Awards Banquet and she asked me if I thought I would be able to keep doing everything I was involved in on the league once we bought the house. "Sure! It shouldn't be a problem!" but as soon as we grabbed that set of shiny new keys and walked into our first home I knew that wasn't going to be the case.

Sure, I denied it for a while but things came to a head when I found out what the fresh meat and teaming process was going to be this season. Since I was only a Level 1 I had some work to do before I was eligible to scrimmage. More on that later. We had some interesting house experiences that caused me to miss some practice early on (like the furnace being completely psychotic and having to keep a fire burning in the wood stove to keep the pipes from freezing).

As the weather grew warmer and the feet and feet of snow from this crazy winter began to melt we finally had a chance to look at our yard. It needed (needs) some serious work. Because I had prioritized derby over everything else, there was no time for anything BUT derby. Between skating in various locations and all the off-skates work I was involved in there was no time to rake leaves, mow lawns, stain furniture, make curtains, and don't even THINK about planning and planting a garden.

It turns out that skater I talked to on that chilly December night was absolutely right; houses change everything. My priorities slowly shifted and by the time April came around I really just wanted my life back so I could actually DO things around the house. As another skater put it in a completely unrelated forum post, "Derby will always be there. Other things may not"

Insecurities and Lack of Practice

So yeah... anyone who has read this blog knows that I am fairly insecure about my abilities as a skater. When I started I hadn't been on skates since the age of 11 or so. I was/am overweight and out of shape. I've made a lot of progress between when I started and now but things changed this season. Last season I was able to make progress at my own pace. This season I had to make progress on someone else's pace. This put me on what I like to call "The Derbycoaster" of emotional ups and downs from about late January up until the day I resigned (and even a little beyond).

In late January I took my level 2 assessments. There are two things I always knew that I needed to work on: transitions and endurance. As expected, I failed transitions and missed my 25 in 5 by two laps. I thought to myself, "I can do this! 2 laps isn't as bad as it could have been!". The other members of "Team Misfits" - the group of skaters from last year who weren't teamed but weren't fresh meat either - were skating just about every night of the week. To be perfectly honest, with all the other time I spent on derby, I had no desire to put  even more time in. At this point, more time skating would have been at the expense of off skates derby work.

I took my level 2's again in early March - I needed more consistent transitions and turning toes stops and I failed the 25 in 5 again. By 2 laps, again. This frustrated me to no end because I had been going to practices and pushing myself and made no progress whatsoever. Still 2 laps away. It felt like 20. This was the first nail in the coffin of my skating career.

I knew that I needed to put extra time in on skates to improve enough to pass that damn endurance test but I just wasn't willing to do that. That's the bottom line. I love skating with everyone but if I'm not willing to put in the work required to get where I need to be to skate with everyone then I have no business skating with a WFTDA league like NHRD.

A Series of Unfortunate Events 

In mid-March, just after my second round of assessments, we got word that my father-in-law's terminal cancer prognosis had gone from 12-18 months to "weeks" overnight . His esophageal cancer had spread aggressively to his lymph system, lungs, and liver. Mr. Carnate and I dropped everything and flew over to the UK within 24 hours. We're so glad that we did but that was a week off of practice.

We came back on a Tuesday. The next Wednesday, after worsening reports, he passed away at home; a week and a half after we saw him. Mr. Carnate was, obviously, very upset being stuck all the way over here. There were a lot of logistics to be sorted out and it would have been extremely callous of me to say, "bye sweety! Good luck arranging everything... I'm off to practice!" So I missed practice all of the week before we headed back to the UK again, this time for longer for the funeral and to spend time with Ian's family.

On top of this, my grandfather passed away four days after my father-in-law. The day before I had been "teamed" on the Seabrook Meltdowns, my favoritest team in the whole world, as an alternate (since I wasn't scrimmageable). By the time I got back from the UK the second time I had missed two team practices and lots of bonding time. I went to a team practice on April 12th and felt completely and totally out of place (through no fault of the team or coaches).

I felt so far behind... to the point where I felt like I would never catch up. This feeling, paired with the "I'd rather be gardening" feeling was the biggest contributing factor in my decision.

Meat Hearts... I Love my Husband

The Derbycoaster was pretty brutal for me. After one of a handful of practices where I felt like I did really well I'd be riding on a high when I got home. Most other practices, I felt like I was never going to make it where I need to be and came home in tears. Mr. Carnate was completely puzzled by my apparent Jekyll and Hyde reaction to derby this season. I would be frustrated sometimes last year but never like this.

After a particularly bad day of derby I came home from work to Mr. Carnate standing in the kitchen with something reddish brown in his hand. It turns out he had cut a leftover pork chop into a heart shape and colored it red with paprika. He said, "I know you had a bad day so I made you a meat heart!". It takes a special kind of guy to do something that... creative (as it takes a special kind of gal to be completely touched by it). I love Mr. Carnate with all my heart and it hurt me that The Derbycoaster affected him, too.

We came back from our second trip to UK and I immediately jumped into bout week mayhem for our season opener. I had so much off-skates stuff to do that I skipped all but one practice that week to get ready for the day. That Sunday I had a frank, teary conversation with Mr. Carnate about my frustrations with skating, the things I WANT to be able to do with my time, and lots of other stuff. His concerns can be summed up in the statement that sealed the deal for me. He said, "If we spend this little time together now, what would it be like if we had kids?"

I want kids. He's on the fence, mostly because of how little *quality* time we spend together now. If I'm home (i.e. not at practice, I'm sitting in my office doing off-skates derby stuff). While we're in the same house, we're not spending time together if you know what I mean. We tried the "set one day a week aside" thing and it just wasn't working out. Something would always come up, usually family-related, that would torpedo our 100% free day with each other.

Something had to give. With tears in my eyes because I didn't want it to be true but knew it was, "I have to stop skating." I couldn't keep going on like this. I was tired of feeling like doo doo about myself after every practice. I wanted to do other things around the house that I could never get to. I wanted to get off the damn emotional Derbycoaster. And I wanted to spend *real* time with my family and not be worrying about what I wasn't doing.

My Wish

I wish that I still had a derby skating outlet that was low-commitment and mixed ability. This would solve both the time issue AND the feeling like crap about my ability issue. I could go back to progressing at my pace without all the pressure. Hopefully in the future, NHRD will decide to create a recreational group for the many people like me to can't or don't want to commit to the whole enchilada of the derby lifestyle. NH needs a recreational derby outlet and I would love to be a part of it when one pops up.

If any number of the circumstances above had been different, perhaps I would have made a different decision. If I had been a bouting skater, I would have probably felt comfortable missing the odd practice to do stuff that needed to be done. If I hadn't missed so much practice time due to, well, everything then perhaps those last two laps might not have been so elusive. If I hadn't bought a house I wouldn't have found all this neat stuff to do (pelletized lime, anyone?) or spent so much time/money at Home Depot.

My decision made me sad, but at the same time I knew that it was the right one. NHRD is awesomely amazing and I am glad I am still able to be a part of it in a reduced way. Maybe one of these days circumstances will change and I'll be in a position to come back full time and in better shape, but for now I know I'm doing what needs to be done. <3

I'm still here!

This is just a quick note while my boss isn't looking to say that I'm still here! I was unable to skate for most of September and October and NHRD has been on their off-season for November and December. We just had our season kickoff league meeting last night and we are ready to rock and roll for a super exciting 2011 season! Our first practice is tomorrow night and, Sod's Law, Mr. Carnate and I are closing on our first house that day. Only a handful of things in life trump derby but that's one of them.

I hope to get a post in this weeknd before my first practice on Monday but that will depend on Comcast's ability to keep their promise about turning on our interwebz on Friday.

See you all SOON!

The incredible invisible freshie.

"Where have you been?" you may ask. The answer to that well-deserved question is, "not skating". At least with the league. There comes a time in some derby girls' lives when their real life must temporarily push away their derby life. Unfortunately, I have been experiencing one of those times.

Between the tailbone injury, the leg injury, and a hellish situation at my real-life job, it has been a good two months since I've had a proper practice with the league. I was attending practices during my injured periods, just not skating, but since mid-August I have been working too much to be able to make weekday practices.

I've been trying to skate when I can - typically at lunch or at the end of the "standard" work day. It outdoor skating, which I have to say I'm not a huge fan of, so skating at Roller Kingdom on Saturday on the silky smooth surface was lovely. I know. I used the words "silky smooth surface" and "Roller Kingdom" in the same sentence but after the parking lot at work, I meant it.


I have been trying to stay involved on the weekends - those two precious days that I have deemed "mine" and which I refuse to let work defile as it has the rest of the week. You don't need to know what I do for work. It it will suffice to say that due to several unforeseen circumstances, most outside of my control, I spend a lot of time doing it as of late.

I miss derby. I miss the feeling that I'm doing something completely badass, even though I know that my skills are far from it. I am petrified that when we move to tryouts next season that I am going to fail and be exiled from this amazing group of women who I adore. The day of the meeting at work when I knew that the next few months would be hell, I spent my lunch in Mr. Carnate's car crying in the Wal-Mart parking lot about how work was going to temporarily force me to stop derby.

After a couple of productive weeks recently (and an article about Life/Work balance sent by Mr. Carnate) I decided that for one day a week (for now) my company can make do without me. It will do me (or my company) absolutely no good if I finish these projects, only to be a completely useless mass of gibbering human. One night a week of getting my ass handed to me for three hours will hopefully recharge me for the week to come. I just want to feel like I'm DOING something!

So this Thursday I am going to practice. From what I hear I am going to be in rough shape on Friday morning - must remember to strechhhhh afterward!

On the food front, Weight Watchers has been going quite well, considering my activity level has been low. I've lost 12 pounds in the last 6 weeks, although some of that may have been muscle mass from being derby-less. That's 12 less pounds to lug around the track for 25 in 5. That's 12 less pounds to land on my ass practicing transitions. That's 12 less pounds to haul up off the ground after being taken out in spectacular fashion during a drill.

I've lost 12 of these!

I have miles to go - in order to become a WW lifetime member I have to eventually make a goal weight of less that 169 pounds. I haven't been that weight since I was 19 and fresh out of basic training. I don't know if that's attainable now in my early 30's. I sure as heck am going to try. 85 pounds to go... the average weight of an 11-year old girl.

I Heart Food

My post this morning is going to be a little bit about Helen and a little bit about the person behind Helen.

I love food. I love the taste of a juicy medium-rare steak (apologies to the veggies I just grossed out). I love loaded baked potatoes. I love lasagna. I love bacon. I love ice cream sundaes. Food just tastes so freaking nice I can't stand it sometimes. This is at least a part of the reason I am the size I am today. (Note: I do eat a variety of foods, these are just some of the "bad" foods that I *love* the taste of)

In an attempt to reconcile my love of food with my desire to be able to haul my butt around the track fast enough to pass my 25 in 5 sometime this century, among a few other personal reasons, I decided to join Weight Watchers last week.

I really think I am ready at this point to make my eating habits a "lifestyle change" as all the people who know about such things say it should be. One of the things that I have learned very quickly in the last 7 days has been that the alternative choices I've been making to try to be healthier aren't, in fact, all that much healthier after all.

For those who don't know, the Weight Watchers system assigns all foods a point value based on calories, total fat, and dietary fiber. A 200 calorie food with 8 grams of fat and 1 gram of fiber is going to "cost" more points than a 200 calorie food with 2 grams of fat and 4 grams of fiber. Each person in the program is assigned a points limit based on current weight, gender, activity level, and age. At the moment, I can have 32 points each day.

One might think, as I did, that they are being "good" by having a Chicken Caesar Wrap at D'Angelo's versus, say, an equivalent size BLT. Said chicken caesar wrap will put you out 20 points. That's right, boys and girls, 2/3 of your daily points allowance for one "healthy" wrap. Let's look at this example for a moment. Sure, it's got lettuce (0 points veggie, yay!), and chicken (lean protein, yay!), but it also has creamy caesar dressing (fatty), parmesan cheese (fatty), and a wrap (fatty). I have learned quickly to not be fooled by a food item's "healthy" appearance.

I could give any number of examples of places where, in the last 8 months since I started roller derby, I've tried to make the "healthy" choice where that choice really wasn't any good at all. Here I am wondering why I'm sweating my ass off for two hours at practice twice a week and going to an open skate on my own and NOT losing weight.

The answer to my question has johnny rocketed me in the sternum and hip checked me off into a far corner of the rink in the last week. What I'm trying to do now is reconcile my love for "bad" foods with my desire to be successful in the program. My first experiment starts today.

Mr. Carnate (who is also doing the program) and I have done really well this week. I found a way to make spaghetti and meatballs for 11 points (whole wheat pasta and ground turkey meatballs), and I made a chicken chow mein recipe packed with veggies and yum for only 5 points! We are treating ourselves to "bad" food tonight. I am planning to have one of my vices... a loaded baked potato (SO GOOD!) which will hit me 13 points all on its own. The point is, I have to plan for it. I'm being extra careful with my points today and munching on lots of veggies (cucumber slices on a hot day anyone?) which have 0 points. I can't do this every day but the beauty of the WW program is that it doesn't say, "you can't have this food because it's bad," it says, "Have the foods that you enjoy but in moderation and if they have heavy points, plan for it."

The first true test will be this weekend's away bout in Vermont. I'm staying in a hotel, dangerously close to the Ben & Jerry's and Cabot Cheese factories, and going to after parties where large quantities of food and alcohol will undoubtedly be consumed. Will I have the will power to say NO to that plate of bacon ranch fries or that giant glass of fruity carb-laden alcoholic yumminess? If I breakdown and partake, will I be honest enough to tally up what my indulgence has cost me in progress? We shall see.

Derrière Defense

I certainly have plenty of natural padding in the buttockular region but apparently not quite enough (see the last two posts). This week I managed to find some crash pads that should fit and I went ahead and got them.

SS Trixie has told me and many others that wearing butt pads of any type is like wearing confidence. I'm sincerely hoping that is the case as I seem to have lost some of mine after my fall a couple of weeks ago.

I went to open skate tonight and could definitely tell that I was being more tentative than usual, even in a recreational skating setting. If I fall again on it in the near future I could do some serious damage that no doctor can really do anything about beyond saying, "Here's a donut pillow. Have a nice day." I don't want that to happen... I still have my goal of passing my twos before the beginning of the 2011 season!

In other news, I'm playing the Seabrook Meltdowns mascot, "Atomic Betty" next weekend at Roller Consolation. I am SO EXCITED. I'm going to roast in my outfit but it's definitely going to be worth it. To top it off, the Meltdowns have invited me to their team dinner on Tuesday! I know I belong to the league as a whole but being in the unteamed purgatory can sometimes feel... lonely (even though there are 10 other people like me out there). It's nice to feel like I'm a part of something more than that, even though it's only for one day :-)

Failbone

As I mentioned in my last post I managed to fall HARD on my tail bone in a spectacular fashion nearly two weeks ago at practice. The truth is, it doesn't feel any better today than it did the day after the fall which makes me sad. I know there's nothing that can really be done for it beyond taking it easy.

It's amazing how many activities in life use that lovely little piece of bone we call the coccyx. I've skated recreationally twice since then but hard skating and deep crossovers are quite painful. I am missing practice on Sunday for a family function (Sister Carnate is in from St. Louis) so here's hoping it starts to heal up for league practice on Tuesday.

One bad fall in 7 months of derby isn't a bad track record though... I generally end up landing on one butt cheek or fall forward (as I should be) and don't have any issues.

Summer Doldrums

I haven't written for a while... it looks like the other derby blogs I follow are equally slow this time of year. It sort of feels like nothing has been happening, but at the same time I've been busy out of my head with derby stuff. I recently took on some additional responsibility in the league and had to step back from coordinating stats to make room in my brain.

Our home season will soon be drawing to a close since after the beginning of September, several inches of ice will cover our bouting venue track. Skate Free or Die will still be busy bees as they work to become eligible for WFTDA ranking in the coming months.

I will be busy busting my butt to pass level twos before January. Most of the April class has leveled up and been teamed already so there aren't many left in that weird la la land that is Level 1's.

I fell HARD on my tailbone at Tuesday's practice. I went to open skate on Friday to test it out and I could skate but it was definitely sore and it was uncomfortable to get low and hold it.

I feel obligated to make up for my lack of skating skills with off-skates work for committees. I also do it because I adore the league and want to see it be wildly successful. This weekend, though, I think I overdid it.

With the exception of a couple of hours to watch Max Payne with Mr. Carnate I spent the ENTIRE weekend working on derby stuff. I had an inkling that I'd gone too far last night when I saw the look on Mr. Carnate's face as I was answering derby emails on my phone while he was trying to sleep. I didn't mean to continue today but it just sort of happened. I get "in the zone" on projects sometime and need to see them through immediately so I have closure. It got to be 3pm and I realized that I'd spent the better part of two days working and then realized that I needed to start thinking about practice.

I thought about having to tell Mr. Carnate, "Bye sweetie, I'm going to practice" after essentially ignoring him the entire weekend. While I love roller derby, he deserves better than that. I made the (tough) decision to skip practice to spend time with him. I know I won't get better if I'm not skating but sometimes real life and marriages need to take the driver's seat.

I hope to have more interesting news to report soon (although I did earn my first two derby bruises from Slick Tracy and Moxie Moonwalk!). I have added contact information to my profile if anyone would like to reach my outside the comments section. :-)